


What Would Be Left Of Them

by tyah



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Japril - Fandom
Genre: Canon Related, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, but not as stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-05-14 23:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14779256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyah/pseuds/tyah
Summary: When Jackson and April's life gets turned upside with the shooting they have to lean on each other. But the road to healing is a long way ahead.





	1. Chapter One

"Switch shifts with me," Jackson pleaded. It was something he wasn't really used to if he were being honest, pleading. Growing up, the way he did, it was more likely he'd have the thing he wanted before he even asked for it but he was desperate for the opportunity to be on Altman's service again.

He pushed past the double doors that lead away from the operating room and followed Charles down the hall.

"No way," Charles replied smugly in a way that he could never pull off naturally which made Jackson roll his eyes.

"Oh, come on nobody wants to be the on-call resident, nothing ever happens. No good cases, all you do is sleep," Jackson reasoned as convincingly as he could. He had to say he even believed himself. But it was a lie, at least at this hospital when they were working at Mercy West because of it ranking in trauma severity the more challenging cases were sent straight here.

"Nice try, Avery." They walked into the residents' lounge, Charles sat on one of the benches by the wall row of storage lockers while Jackson lingered by the door. "Altman is actually one of the good ones there's no chance I'm passing this one up."

Jackson narrowed his eyes at his friend; he wasn't making this as easy as he thought he would.

Eight months had passed since their group, along with a few others, had merged with another, greater metropolitan hospital, Seattle Grace. For a majority of them, it had been quite the transition but hadn't made much of an impression since his first day and then his grandfather had visited and everyone found out about his lineage. Jackson knew that he meant well but he had the amazing ability to criticize him even from a hospital bed. Ever since he had been coasting by.  
He needed to get on another cardio service soon so he decided to for another plan of attack.

"I'm on General with Bailey," Jackson mentioned casually but studied Charles' reaction. He stopped fixing the laces on his old grubby sneakers and stilled. He knew that he was interested in general, set on it as a possible speciality but hadn't been on a general case for some time.

Charles stood up and walked towards him. "Okay, fine! But you owe me."

"I won't have to," Jackson cleared his throat just as Reed walked to towards them, just like he planned.

"Hey," she greeted. "What are you two losers doing?"

Charles laughed a little too hard and Jackson scratched his chin to hide his amusement.

"It's just a nice night for…for surgery," Charles glanced at the stack of charts in her hands. "And charting."

Reed gave him a baffled expression before walking off in another direction. Jackson doubled over laughing then not bothering to dodge the punch in the arm that Charles aimed at him.

"Are you ever going to do something about that?" he asked once he got a hold of himself. Reed wouldn't be able to hear them. Jackson knew that she would be on the same shift the next day. There was no way Charles would back out of this now.

"I am. I will," Charles blurted out. "I'm waiting for the right time."

The corners of April's eyes creased as she held onto the steering wheel with both hands. They had been stuck behind an SUV for ten minutes, the traffic downtown was crazy and factoring that in with the extra twenty minutes they had to even get to Seattle Grace Mercy West they would be cutting it close to get in before morning rounds today.  
She honked her horn, it would do nothing but she did it anyway and then rolled down the window to let some air in.

"Would you stop tapping?" Reed demanded from the back seat.

"Hm?" Charles turned his head distractedly to the side.

"That thing with your hands, with your hand, on the dashboard." She reiterated, pushing her foot on the back of his seat. She did it a little too hard which made him brace forward

"Oh this?" his fingers hit against the warm plastic again, this time with a rhythm and April watched them both amused. She noticed the car in front of them was finally making traction and she focussed on the road ahead.

"You're so damn annoying, Charlie," Reed stated but her voice was light. He'd been like this in all the time she had known him. They pulled into the hospital parking lot and walked towards the front entrance as quickly as they could to avoid being late.

"We need to move," Reed pulled her shirt over her head and stuffed it into her cubby.

April continued changing and sighed. "But I like our place."

"It's all the way across town and we have to carpool with the guys," Reed said and April sat down on one of the benches. "They leave things in the car all the time, you know I found a half-eaten taco wedged in the front seat like two days ago"

"What?" April stopped and they both turned and looked at Charles.

"Hey, don't look at me," Charles said. He had already changed into his scrubs and was fixing the collar of his lab coat.

"Just think about it okay," Reed pleaded tugging on April's sleeve. She suspiciously eyed Charles and then darted out of the room, passing by another resident who entered.

"You two you-" April sung once she knew Reed was gone. "You're like two kids on the playground "You're like two kids on the playground. It's cute."

"Cute is not what I was going for, April," he admitted as April got up from the bench and they made their exit.

"Well, honesty is never a bad idea," April said. Everyone in their little group knew how Charles felt about Reed. She had been rooting for them for a while.

"Kepner!" Chief Shepherd called out, a few brain scans in hand as he approached.

"Oh, um yes Chief I was right on my way to meet you," April stepped around her friend and followed him with her notebook in hand.

April would always be grateful for being given a second chance at being a surgeon. She would have never expected that the Chief would call and offer her job back to her.

It was great to be hired back after her mistake with her patient. She had another chance.

"So, I'm going to be in my office this morning, paperwork well more like awaiting a slow death," he told her with an air of disinterest. If April didn't know any better she would have  
thought he was bored. While being Chief of a renowned hospital was something that most of their peers sought after it wasn't a job that everyone could handle.

"You check on my post ops. At least one of us will have a good day today, huh?" he joked.

"Okay, right away Chief," April nodded.

Jackson crumpled up his coffee cup and threw it in a nearby waste bin. He'd been in the ER for hours and nothing good had come through yet. He had a feeling that Altman didn't  
like that he had ended up on her service instead of another resident. He almost thought that switching shifts was a bad idea until he got a heads up on an incoming trauma.

"What do we got?" Jackson asked as he pulled on a trauma gown and the paramedics got out with a man on a stretcher.

"Male, 36, GSW to the upper abdomen." The paramedic stated quickly, pushing the gurney up to the trauma doors. The man was visibly in pain but awake and responsive. "It was crazy apparently the dude got rear-ended and then he gets out and shoots him."

"What?" His head snapped up in disbelief.

"Am I gonna die?" he repeated breathlessly. The ER had picked up a lot of traffic in the last hour or so they had to manoeuvre through a lot of chaos to get him to an empty trauma room.

"Sir, sir," Jackson stopped to speak to him. "You're having trouble breathing because your lung is collapsed so I'm going to put a tube in your chest-"

"I-In my chest?" his face paled even more if that was possible.

"It's to help you breathe." Jackson reassured him before he started giving out instructions as Hunt and Altman breezed into the trauma room assessing him quickly and getting to work as well "Alright, I need gauze and an 18-gauge-needle."

He kept his head down as prepared to make an incision not even as a random woman burst through the door.

"Pete!" She cried as a nurse tried to hold her back. "Oh my God, Pete. What happened?"

Pete's chest heaved as he spoke. "This guy hit me. I stopped the car to give him my insurance card… I get out and he shoots me."

"Call an OR and tell them we're on our way," Teddy said.

"Please, please he's my husband." The woman pleaded hysterically to them the nurse still at her side. He was starting to look annoyed and tried to usher her out of the room.

"Let her say goodbye." Owen tried to stop him.

"Owen there's no time," Teddy argued but the woman took her chance before they could say anything else, approaching her husband cautiously.

"I love you, I love you. Don't die please."

Jackson finally made the cut and inserted the tube into his side and the sudden change in pressure caused blood to spurt out all over his trainers. "Chest tube secured."

Jackson lifted his head once he finished. They needed to get him to an operating room sooner rather than later. Pete started seizing and his wife's gasps were drowned out by the incessant beeping of the machine's.

"What's happening? Oh my God!"

"Get her out of here!" Teddy ordered. The nurse was able to push her out of the room and they didn't waste any time as they gripped the metal bars of the gurney and started on a run out the door.

"Hey, Courtney. How are you feeling today?" April asked with a bright smile when she entered the patient room. The young woman in the bed was one of the post-ops she had been placed to monitor.

A tumour that had been extracted was small and they caught it early. Chief Shepherd had operated and since April was basically his protégé she had scrubbed in too. She had taken a liking to neurosurgery and was feeling much more confident about being back in the operating room as well. She just needed to be reminded why she wanted to be a doctor, after that everything else would fall into place.

"Like I took an axe to the head," she joked but April looked at her alarmed and proceeded to give her the once-over. "Dr Kepner chill out it was a joke, geez."

"You're sure about that? You know you're supposed to tell us if you're feeling any discomfort." April informed while she assessed. A parent would not lose another child because of a mistake she could have avoided.

"I'm fine I promise." She said. "You doctors worry too much."

"If we didn't then we'd be of no use." April wrote down a few things her chart before placing it back on the shelf at the foot of the bed. "I'll see you again after rounds"

"You don't have to come back here. I'm fine!"

"After rounds!" she called over her shoulder.

April had finished her rounds and as promised was heading back upstairs to check on Courtney again. She would have to cut through the ER to get to the elevators and get back upstairs. April fished her notebook out of her pocket, scribbling as she walked through a supply area when they arrived at work the ER was bustling but the air was still now.  
She lost her balance so quick she didn't even have a chance to brace her hands out in front of her. She caught her foot on something heavy and fell face first onto the floor.  
"Ah," April wiped at her upper lip weakly, pulling her hand away from her face to see her fingers covered with blood. She pushed herself up with her other hand but the floor felt wet and sticky under her palm.

Blood. Too much blood. So much that it soaked into her scrubs and caused them to stick to her skin. She was still dazed from hitting her head so hard but she wasn't seeing things, her hands shook as she turned them both over and stared down at them and the floor to be confronted by a lifeless body. Her throat closed up when she saw where the blood had come from. Reed with a bullet hole in the middle of her forehead.

April didn't remember getting up from the floor. She didn't even remember walking out of the supply closet all she could see in her head was Reed. She got away as fast she could. Her best friend lying dead on the floor. They had only spoken face to face an hour ago and now she was dead. It wasn't clicking in her mind.

"Dr Kepner?" It was Shepherd. She had made it all the way back to his office. "April? What is it?"

"You know, I grew up on a farm… I grew up on a farm so b-blood doesn't bother me," April mumbled softly. "I slaughtered a pig once that was a lot of blood. Bleeding like a stuck pig. That's a saying, that means something but you don't think of people having that much blood - You learn in med school about how many pints we all have in us but you don't know until you see it. You don't get how much blood – and a skinny person and Reed oh my god she's almost anorexic, she's like five pounds, you wouldn't think she had that much blood but she did she did she did -"

"April, April, April!" He grabbed her face between his hands to stop her from saying anything else. "It's alright. You're in shock. Tell me what happened."

"Reed's dead," her voice broke when she said it out loud. "Someone shot her."

"How do you not know? You're the head of hospital security…" Derek muttered on the phone. They were still in his office because he had to inform the authorities about what was going on. He had handed her some clean scrubs to change into, her own still soaked in Reed's blood and faced away from her.

"Alright lockdown," April overheard as she tugged the shirt of the uniform over her head. He hung up and started toward her.

"Here," Derek took a napkin and wiped gently at the blood still on her face. "The police are almost here. I'm gonna leave you here. Are you gonna be okay by yourself?"

"You're leaving. you said that nobody leaves moves nobody breathes nobody breathes," her voice trembled.

"I'm the Chief. This is my hospital." He said but that didn't settle her fear. What did being Chief mean against a bullet?

"But what if you get shot?"

"I'll be right back. I'm the Chief." He left and shut the door behind him.

Pete had been on the operating table longer than most and it was still not looking good. The bullet had sliced through his heart and there was a lot of internal bleeding.

It was overwhelming but Jackson was keeping his head above water, following the instructions of the attendings to make sure this man would have a fighting chance. He'd been flying under the radar since the transfer so hopefully, now there would be a shift in that.

"I can't get control of this artery," Teddy said.

"He's crashing." Owen's voice is muffled by his face mask.

"I need more light and another clamp," Teddy said and one of the scrub nurses handed her the apparatus.

"How's it going in here?" His back was to him but Jackson recognised Shepherd's voice.

"Touch and go!"

"Avery, you got a second?" he asked. Jackson removed his hands from the patient and covered his gloves with a cloth before he went over to him.

"Has anybody checked their pager?

"No, we've been too busy."

"There's a shooter here in the hospital and I don't want you to say a word." He said and Jackson's eyes widened. "When the patient is stable I want you to tell Hunt and Altman that nobody gets out of here until they are told."

There's a shooter in the hospital?

"Can you handle this?"

"Yes, sir." He blinked.

"What did Shepherd want?" Owen asked. "Dr Avery?"

"Uh, nothing," Jackson lied smoothly. He took his place back next to Dr Altman. "Just wanted to know how long we'd be. He needs the OR next."

"Okay, get in here and suction around where Dr Altman is working."

He picked up the suction but his hands were shaking too much.

"Shaky hands, Dr Avery?" Owen noticed. "You won't make it as a surgeon unless you keep your hands steady."

He needed to hold it together. "Yes, sir."

April hadn't moved from where Derek had left her in his office. The lockdown was in full effect since she didn't see anyone walking around through the clear glass walls.  
She felt too exposed standing. What if the shooter was up here? He could notice and shoot her right through the glass and it would be all over. April ducked down to hide underneath the desk, it obscured her from view but the position also meant that she couldn't see out of the back window clearly, a filing cabinet was blocking the way.

Propping her head up on her bent knee she closed her eyes and prayed that she'd make it out of this. That no one else would be hurt. That Derek would come back. She prayed they would make it out of this.

"OK, he's ready for transport."

"Jackson, get him up to ICU," Owen said as he untied his mask. The surgery was complete and Jackson had managed to make it through without saying anything, until now. "Start warming him up."

"I can't, sir."

"Excuse me?" he stopped at the door, brows creased. Jackson could feel everyone's eyes on him but stood his ground.

"We can't leave here. That's what Shepherd told me." He continued. "There's a shooter in the hospital. We're supposed to –

"There's a what?"

"Shepherd said –"

"This patient is hypothermic and I need to get him to an ICU, start warming him up before he starts to circle the drain."

"You didn't bother -"

"Shepherd said-"

"You didn't bother to mention this until now?"

"You already told me what Shepherd said!" Owen scolded. "Okay, I'll take him up myself. Everyone else, stay here."

"I'm coming." Teddy stepped forward.

"No, you stay put."

"I'm a cardiothoracic surgeon. He has a penetrating injury to his chest." She stated, unmoving. "You don't get a vote this time. I'm coming."

"Let's go."

"Please, please, please," April mumbled. She was still under the desk and hadn't moved an inch. She was desperate to check outside the window to see if Shephard had returned  
but was too scared to move.

It was still deathly quiet on the floor so her head snapped up when she heard voices from outside the office. April looked out from under the desk, her view was still hidden but she could see Derek. His back was to her but she was sure it was him.

She got out from her hiding place and rand out of the office. "Dr Shepherd! Thank God, you're back!"

He turned around and told her run but she didn't move. April stood frozen where she stood. The gunman was two feet in front of them, weapon pointed straight at them. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, the pulling of the trigger, the gunshot, Derek falling to the floor at the impact

She wasn't ready to die.


	2. Chapter Two

April staggered forward while Derek laid gasping and bleeding out in front of her. He had been shot in the chest, blood spilling out from his wound. And now the gun was pointed at her.

April lifted her arms up either side of her head, clearly, so he wouldn’t pull the trigger. She ran her tongue across her teeth and she couldn’t stop shaking.

She wanted to live.

“My name is April Kepner. I'm 28 years old. I was born on April 23rd.In Ohio. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. My mom's a teacher and my dad is a farmer Corn. C-corn, he grows corn.” She blinked repeatedly as she remembered what she used to call home. “Their names are Karen and Joe. I have three sisters! Libby's the oldest, I'm next and then there's Kimmie and Alice… I-I haven't done anything yet. I haven't,” she gasped her eyes full of unshed tears. “I've barely lived. All I’ve done is- all I’ve done is win science fairs and go to medical school. I'm not finished yet. No one's loved me yet. Please, please. I'm someone's child. I'm a person. I'm a person.”

His hand trembled, his finger still poised on the trigger and she was sure that he was going to pull it. That he didn’t care about anything she had said, she was just as insignificant as she felt most of her life.

He gulped and then opened his mouth. “Run.”

Her legs tensed with fear but pushed through and didn’t look back.

“Why didn’t you say something earlier?” one of the doctors, an anesthesiologist, demanded.

Jackson removed his surgical mask, it had still been tied loosely around his neck. He balled it up and tossed it on the floor. “It wasn’t the time and the patient --”  
The doctor marched up to him and “You don’t have a family, people depending on you. How selfish can you be?”

“The Chief said that we had to stay here,” Jackson repeated for what he felt like was the hundredth time, no one cared about that and he was starting to hate hearing that excuse too. “It was what was best for the patient!”

“Yeah, well we’re all dead now thanks to you!”

“Just shut up both of you!” one of the scrub nurses spoke up, she was older and had enough of them both. “If you keep shouting the psycho with the gun will find us and I don’t think it’ll matter to him which one of you is right.”

Jackson walked over to the other side of the room and rested on the tiled wall. The other doctor stayed stood where he was, glaring at him before doing the same going in the other direction. They’re all quiet and for a few minutes, they could hear nothing but the sounds of their own breathing.

He uncrossed his arms and pushed off the wall when he heard voices coming from outside the operating room.

“It's creepy quiet down here.”

“He's down here.”

“No. He is not down here.”

“God. He's down here and he's gonna come out and shoot us.”

“Will you shut up?! You're freaking me out and I don't have time to be freaked out right now. Mer is a mess, Derek is a mess, you are a mess, and I am in charge. And I say that no one is down here.”

Jackson poked his head out and saw Cristina and April. They screamed and covered their heads.

“Don't shoot, don't shoot!”

“You are not supposed to be walking around.” He told them but he was relieved to see some familiar faces.

“Damn it, Jackson.” Cristina straightened up and April followed, she looked terrified but at least she wasn’t shot but when he noticed the blood on Cristina’s scrubs.

“Is that your blood? Are you okay?”

“No, I'm fine.” She waved him off and looked past him through the OR doors. “I'll go get Altman.”

“Altman's not down here.”

“Hunt?”

“They left.” He said voice raised slightly.

“What, they left?!” she threw her hands up, frustrated. “OK, you know what? Someone shot  
Derek. He's got a GSW to the chest. He needs surgery now. Tell me there's an attending on this floor!”

“April, in the OR there are two OR nurses and an anesthesiologist. Get them.” He clenched his jaw and stared at her, unblinking. “Tell them to set up for a cardiac procedure.”

“What? Why? If we don't have a surgeon, what are we going to do?” April’s eyes flitted between them, confused. No one was speaking and she didn’t like being kept out of the loop normally so under these circumstances it had her feeling much worse.

“We have a surgeon.”

“What? Who's gonna operate on Dr Shepherd?”

“I am,” Cristina said.

Jackson watched Cristina walk back from where she came to the other OR across the way. They needed nurses, a few extra hands for what they were about to do and even then, it would be a huge risk.

It was unbelievable how quickly the events of the day had turned. Only a few hours ago, Derek had told him that there was a shooter in the hospital and now April, Cristina and himself were challenged with the great task of removing a gunshot wound from his chest.  
Now only he and April stood alone in the deserted hallway. Jackson regarded her carefully. He knew that she was scared but he wasn’t used to her being so quiet.  
She wasn’t wearing the usual sky blue resident scrubs instead she dressed in the attending navy and she wasn’t as level-headed as Cristina was at the moment.

“April?” he asked, bending down a little to look her directly in the eyes. If they were going to do this then they all needed to stay focused.

“Reed’s dead,” she finally looked at him and her words almost didn’t register in his brain.  
Jackson opened his mouth to reply but was taken aback when April wrapped her arms around his torso and pressed her face into the material of his shirt. It had been sticking to his skin since Shepard told him about the gunman.

“I’m so glad that you’re okay,” April muttered into his scrub top. She disappeared through the doors to where Cristina had gone.

Reed was dead.

April returned with the two scrub nurses. He didn’t recognise either of them she could tell it bothered him but there was no time to worry about that now.  
She was out of her mind when she found Reed, lying dead and bloody on the floor. Cristina had to shake her to get her out of it.

“When did you find out about Reed?” Jackson asked. He let her go first through the door to the washroom.

“It was after rounds I uh I...” She sniffed but didn’t say anything more. They checked through the window to see nurses set up the OR for the procedure while the anesthesiologist worked on putting Derek under. They scrubbed in and then entered the OR.

Derek released a harsh breath as they took in his pale face. “So Kepner you’re finally getting out from under my shadow…I knew this day would come, just didn’t think it would be…so soon.” he joked, his voice hoarse. 

“Cristina is going to be your surgeon. We’ll only be assisting,” April knew he was joking but it felt wrong. He was lying on an operating table when a few hours ago he was perfectly healthy, just like Reed.

She nodded at Jackson before walking out to get Cristina. She was stood at the sink with Meredith but she wasn’t acknowledging her anymore.

“We're ready for you.”

“April, Meredith is going to sit here on the floor. I want you to stay with her.” Cristina instructed, looking straight ahead. “If she tries to enter my OR, or even if she looks like she's gonna get up to take a peek, I want you to stop her. I don't care how you stop her.”

“Okay.” April nodded.

Cristina stepped around them but Meredith wasn’t finished. “He is my husband.”

“Do you want me to kill him? Is that what you want?!” Cristina snapped. “I will do my very best work but please, Meredith, I am begging you, sit down and wait.”  
She left them in the silence and the door closed behind her.

Meredith stood in her spot, staring at the closed sliding door dejected. April wasn’t sure how to approach this she hadn’t interacted with her very much and she didn’t seem like a person who took orders well. Meredith flung her arm out, it smacked against her thigh as she planted herself on the floor underneath the sink.

April glanced through the window to the OR and watched Cristina and Jackson work on Derek. Cristina’s movements were thorough and careful while Jackson assisted. She didn’t know how they could hold it together so well when everything was falling apart at the seams.

They sat side by side on the floor not saying anything for what felt like hours. It was always in the back of her mind that the shooter could come back, no one had come for them and the lockdown was still on. 

Apartments. That’s the last thing that she and Reed were talking about, thinking that they’d have all the time in the world. Reed was the first real friend that April had ever had, only always ever told that she was annoying and too much and she remembered that she and Reed didn’t start out liking one another. Being interns in one of the most competitive surgical programs in the country had meant that people had created more enemies than allies at first meeting.

Reed didn’t like April because she was constantly ahead of the class and April didn’t understand why she was always so short with her but she didn’t think much of it since she was used to it from everyone. The first year was so important anyway so she tried not to let it bring her down and focussed on the medicine. It wasn’t until a few weeks into the internship where they saw each other in a different light.

Beside her Meredith was talking about how long it took to find Derek, to find someone to spend her life with. Her husband is lying on a metal table in the next room and she shouldn’t be crying, it wasn’t about her and Meredith was right but April wasn’t trying to make it about her at all.

She nodded and sucked in her tears, her breath hitching. “Reed was my best friend. And she died today.”

Meredith dropped her arm onto her knee which was propped up beside April’s and stretched out her hand. April covered her palm with hers and bowed her head.

“Do you feel anything? Can you see where the blood's coming from?” Jackson asked.

“Not yet,” Cristina answered quickly. “Damn it, I can't see anything. Give me some suction.”  
Jackson picked up the tool and cleared the area to give her better visualisation. “No, no, no, no, no It's right by to the aorta.”

“You can do this.” He assured, there was no one else. She had to.

“I know that,” Cristina said, although her usual confident tone sounded shaken. “I just wanted it to be easy. Not the hardest freaking repair in the history of the world! I don't know what to do.”

That was not what anyone needed to hear right now.

“There's massive bleeding in the lungs. There is a bullet lodged right next to the aorta and a huge hematoma.” She rattled off and then opened her mouth in a whisper. “Would Teddy use a graft - or clamp and sew?”

He wasn’t sure but while being on Altman’s service he had picked up on a few things. “I think she'd –”

“Pig or cow,” Cristina whispered again.

“What?”

“Pig or cow, Cristina? Clamp and sew.” She nodded with an assurance that he picked up on. 

“Definitely clamp and sew. Give me a clamp.”

“Badass.”

A clamp and sew procedure would be a risky, especially with the gravity of the injury but they had no other options and even less time. Jackson passed her the clamp, his hands steady. He knew that this was their best chance.

They worked together soundlessly after that, with Cristina taking the lead and muttering instructions when needed. He hadn’t cracked under the pressure yet and was doing well but the pressure was an aspect of life that he was used to. Of course, this was a vastly different experience from expectations from his stuffy family but it was testing his limits all the same.

Jackson had managed to stop the bleeding, draining the haemorrhage to relive the pressure in his chest while Cristina worked on the repair. It was such intricate work that needed great concentration, they were sure that because of the hospital lockdown they would have the chance to patch-up his wound before anyone came for them.

“Is that him?”

Jackson looked up at where the voice had come from, no one was supposed to be down here, especially someone who wasn’t hospital personnel but once he saw the gun he knew why this man was here. Everyone else had paused but Cristina hadn’t stopped working, too focussed saving Derek.

He approached them menacingly but Jackson hadn’t taken his attention of the gun in his hand once

“Sir, we –”

“Be quiet!” He shouted, his eyes glued to Derek on the table and Cristina flinched. “That’s him. That’s Shepherd.”

“Sir --”

“Stop trying to fix him! He deserves to be in pain.” He walked forward and jammed the barrel of the gun against Cristina’s temple. “He deserves to die!”

“Whoa, just calm down. Calm down.” Owen appeared suddenly in the doorway. “Tell me what the problem is.”

“Owen,” Cristina hadn’t taken her hands out of the chest cavity but tears were falling down her face.

“I'm here.”

He pressed the gun at her head again. “Owen”

“Hold on!” Owen tried to distract him. “Talk to me.”

“Stop fixing him. Let him die. Let him lie there and die. Do you want me to shoot you?” he threatened. “Stop fixing him!”

“No.”

“Cristina,” Owen warned.

“No,” Cristina repeated, still crying. “Jackson, clamp the hilum so we get control of haemorrhage, - so I can get visualization.”

“Don't you dare.”

“Clamp the hilum so I can see.” Cristina sobbed at the same time Owen stepped forward. It was the perfect distraction, allowing Jackson to do as she said. Bohkee, one of the scrub nurses, passed him the clamp before the gunman saw them.

“You stay back. You stay back.”

“Owen, I can't stop. I have to…”

“I know. Just keep going. Keep going.”

“You stop or I will shoot you.”

“Hey! That is the woman I love. If you shoot her, touch her, I will kill you!”

“And I said stay back. Maybe I shoot you first. I shoot you and then I shoot her and then I shoot Shepherd. Is that what you want?” he asked. “I didn't come here for this. My wife is dead. He's responsible. I came here for justice. An eye for an eye. The only person I want in this room is Shepherd. Now back off! And you step away from that table.”

“Please. Shoot me.” Meredith spoke up. It was like she came out of nowhere, materialising in front of them. “You want justice, right? Your wife died. I know what happened. Derek told me the story. Lexie Grey pulled the plug on your wife, she's my sister. Dr Webber? He was your wife's doctor. I'm the closest thing he has to a daughter. The man on the table,  
I'm his wife. If you want to hurt them the way that you hurt shoot me. I'm your "eye for an eye.”

Jackson wanted to shake his head but refrained. He didn’t want him to shoot anyone else, that was something that he wasn’t going to entertain. He had a plan and they were going to get out of here alive.

"Meredith,”

“You tell Derek that I love him and that I'm sorry.”

“Meredith, wait! She's pregnant.” Cristina blurted out desperately. “You wouldn't shoot a woman who's pregnant? Please.”

Owen lunged at him then but he was faster and pulled the trigger before he could touch him. The bullet him in the shoulder and he flew back and hit the floor. Jackson unclipped the heart wires that connected to the monitor and lifted his hands.

“No! No! - No!” Cristina yelled.

“Raise your hands,” Jackson ordered. “Trust me, raise your hands. He's going to shoot again, raise your hands! 

Cristina did as he said and dropped the instruments. “I'm stopping!”

“No!” Meredith cried.

“See? I've stopped.”

“Listen to me,” Jackson said. “In a few seconds, his heart is going to pump blood into his chest and stop beating. You'll see it on the monitor. Just wait. Wait for it. Watch the monitor and wait for it.”

“Please, don't stop!” Meredith begged them.

“Shut up!” Jackson shouted.

“No, no. No! Derek! No, no, no.” Meredith fell to the floor, broken.

“See? It's over.” Cristina told him. “It's over. He's dead. It's over.

“No! Derek!”

Satisfied that Shepherd was dead and gone, he lowered his weapon and finally left.

“Give me a 4-0 pledgeted suture,” Cristina instructed. “Jackson, get me his vitals.”

“Got a pulse of 128. BP's cycling.”

“Mer? Is Owen dead?” She asked over her shoulder. Meredith didn’t answer right away. “Dr 

Grey! Is Owen dead?!”

She crawled over to where Owen was passed out on the floor and listened for breathing. 

“He's alive. He's alive. He's unconscious, but he's alive.”

“Take Owen to the OR across the way and take that bullet out. Get April to help you.”

“Cristina?”

“I can't talk now. I'm trying to save your guy, now please go and try and save mine.”  
Meredith went back to get April as they continued to work. Cristina glanced up at Jackson once she was gone. “Remind me to thank you later.”

“I will.”

“I'm almost done, just finishing up the pericardial repair,” Cristina informed the room. April and Meredith had finished extracting the bullet from Owen’s shoulder and had quickly run back in to help in any way they could. Meredith was told to stand behind her husband and not touch anything.

Jackson removed his hands from Derek’s chest and waited but his heart started to throb erratically. “V-fib!” 

“Give me the internal paddles!” Cristina gestured over to them and April hurried over to unravel the long metal from their wires.

“Give me one of epi,” Jackson asked the nurse.

“April, you got it?”

“Yep.” April passed them over and she took the paddles from her hands, enclosing the cups around Derek’s exposed heart.

“Charge to 50.”

“Epi going in.”

“Charge again to 50.”

“Clear.” They stood back again and held their breath.

Jackson stared at the screen until the familiar peaks appeared on the monitor. “We got him.”

“Are you okay?” April asked even though she knew Meredith was far from it. Everything was okay now but. They had her sit out from helping them with Derek, Cristina didn’t want her anywhere near the OR while they all worked on him. She must have felt so helpless.  
Meredith had brushed off April’s concerns before, her husband had just been shot and Owen needed to be fixed but hopefully, she'd be more receptive now.  
“I um, need pants,” Meredith croaked. The blood had dried and it was starting to make her thighs itch.

“I have some extra scrub pants in my cubby, in the lounge,”  
They walked the short distance to the resident's lounge and when they entered the room April approached her cubby and pulled out the scrub pants she kept at the back of the small space. Meredith still planted in open doorway when she turned around and handed them to her.

“April, you don’t have to stay here with me.”

“No no, it’s fine. I can stay,” April replied. Jackson and Cristina were closing so she wasn’t really needed.

Meredith didn’t argue and walked to the single bathroom in the corner. She then stopped halfway and spun to back to April.

“Thank you.”

April gave her a tight smile in return.

They were allowed to leave the hospital a few hours later. Jackson found April in the resident’s lounge after he, Cristina and the nurses finished working on Shepherd. He had been at the on his feet for hours and he hadn’t spoken to his roommate since yesterday morning.  
He had asked around for him after the lockdown had been overturned and he’d seem the rest of their resident class wandering around but he didn’t receive any answers. He already knew that Reed wasn’t coming back with them. 

“Where are you going?” April asked with her voice trembling slightly.

“We need to find Charles and then we can go,” Jackson said. He didn’t want to be here any longer than he had to. There was a smattering of people outside, a few officers and he could see the last of the ambulances with the urgent care patients that were being taken to Seattle Presbyterian.

Jackson finally spotted an official checkpoint station, there were people with clipboards and papers standing behind several tables. “Over there, come on.”

“Do you know if Charles Percy made it out?”

“Percy?” she didn’t look at him as she busily searched for the name on the list. Her face told what he needed to know. “I’m sorry. He didn’t make it.”


	3. Chapter Three

April and Jackson entered April’s apartment building a little while later. They both had to stay behind at the hospital, talk to the police and make statements.

He watched her toss her keys into the small dish atop a table by the door and then stared down at his shoes. They were still covered in blood from the patient he had from this morning, the one who got shot right outside the hospital. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

“Can I use your bathroom?” he asked. 

“Sure, yeah,” April said quietly, pushing her hair out of her face. “Down the hall. Third door on --”

“Yeah, I remember,” he said.

He made his way over to the bathroom but on his way over to the door, he got his feet caught on a cardboard box that was sat close by. He caught himself on the wall before he could do any real damage but the contents spilt out on the hardwood floor.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. This isn't- Reed was supposed to...” April began but her words get caught in her throat. Jackson saw the unshed tears in her eyes but April blinked them back and quickly moved to the floor to pick up the items.

April didn’t want to cry. She had been crying ever since she had found Reed in the supply closet. She picked up the box and held it to her chest.

She could tell that he didn’t know what to say but she turned away before he could open his mouth again. It was awkward and April didn’t want to make it worse. He waited a second before he walked down the hall and April heard the door click softly behind him.

With one hand still clutching the cardboard, she brushed the leather surface of one of the binders inside with her fingers but then her whole hand started to shake. The box fell to the floor again, this time worn down cardboard split down the side but April didn’t notice all she could hear was her rapid heartbeat between her ears.

The room was smaller than he remembered it being, the last time he’d been here was for April’s birthday. Reed was horrified that she’d never had a birthday party before and had him and Charles into throwing one for her.

Jackson washed his hands and face in the sink. He rested an elbow on the cool surface of to steady himself once he was finished and caught his reflection in the mirror. He was worn out, the bags under his eyes from the night shift easily showed his exhaustion. The last 12 hours were a whirlwind, it was surprising he was able to keep it together for so long.

He was about to reach for a towel to dry his face when heard a faint crashing sound.

“April?”

There was no response and given everything that had happened today it was enough to get him worried. Forgetting about the droplets of water on his face, he left the bathroom and found April in the living room, still standing on the spot that he’d left her in.

“April,” Jackson approached her in seconds. He touched her arm to get her attention but she flinched and pushed him away, shaking her head. His brows creased in confusion. “Hey, Apr- April what’s wrong?”

“Ah, I…I…” April gasped her hand over her chest.

She tried to speak but her mouth couldn’t form words, her heart was still hammering in her chest and as much as she tried she couldn’t stop crying. It was horrible. She dug her nails into her forearm and willed her lungs to expand to get some air, but even that felt impossible. The air only coming from her mouth in small, uneven puffs. The thought that she was dying was playing over and over in her mind. She was dying. It felt like she was going to die.

He’d never seen anyone like this before but she was clearly distressed. He had to calm her down. She had pushed him away previously so he got closer, invading her space. April wasn’t fighting him off anymore but he needed her to listen to him.

“April- just-” Jackson held her by the cheeks so she would look at him, the tears were flowing fully now. His voice softened as he spoke. “You’re safe okay, look at me, we’re safe. This is a panic attack. Just take deep breaths. You have to breathe.”

The coolness of his hands on her face distracted her enough so she could concentrate on his presence and not her thoughts.

“I can’t—Reed, she's-” she hiccupped, still crying but he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held onto her tightly.

“April, you’re safe. I promise,” he said calmingly, hoping that she would listen to him.

She let the tension in her muscles go and tried to take slow, deep breaths like he said. April felt her heartbeat return to normal but she still couldn't quell the uneasiness she felt in the pit of her stomach by being in this apartment. 

Jackson ducked his head and moved closer, wiping her top lip with the back of the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Your nose is bleeding,” he explained.

Her hand flew to her face and she winced at the soreness as she pressed down on the skin. She hit her nose when she tripped over Reed’s body. The adrenaline was gone now and the pain was setting in.

“I can’t stay here.” She whispered, looking up at him.

“Alright, um, I can pack a bag.” He dropped her hand and rubbed her shoulder. She didn't seem like she was up for doing much of anything. “We can stay at a hotel tonight.”

She fell asleep in the car as soon as they were back on the road. He would glance at April out of the corner of his eye every now and again but she didn’t stir, staying curled up in the passenger seat next to him. The panic attack had drained what was left of her energy.

He forced his concentration back on the road, loosening his grip on the wheel. They didn't need another disaster happening to them for a long time.

April was right about not staying in their apartments. Even when he drove back to his place to collect a few things for himself it felt weird being in a place where someone he knew used to live. Charles' dirty plates from breakfast this morning still left on the counter and when he passed by his bedroom the door was open and he could make out his unmade bed through the gap.

Jackson didn’t believe in ghosts or spirits or anything ridiculous like that. When you were dead, you were gone but he couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt that had been creeping up on him since he found out from that list that Charles didn’t make it.

Their friend wouldn’t be coming back. If he hadn’t asked him to switch shifts then maybe he would still be here, alive. What the hell had he done?

The sun was lost behind large pillows of dark clouds as the soft sounds of rain hitting the windshield set in. Jackson took his hand off the steering wheel and reached across the dashboard to unlock his phone from where it was cradled in its holder.

She picked up on the first ring. “Hey, Mom.”

“Jackson! Oh, you’re okay. Thank God.” Her voice came through shaky but he heard her loudly enough, actually, he was surprised April didn’t wake up.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He said, glancing at April again. “Mom, I’m fine.”

“You scared me half to death, Jackson Avery,” Catherine scolded. He was her only child, the thought of losing him was unbearable. “Don’t you ever do that again. You have a phone for a reason, I expect you to pick it up.”

“I couldn’t-”

“You’re lucky I’m halfway across the world.” She threatened, trying to sound tough but her voice caught in her throat. Jackson pressed his lips together and nodded even though she wasn’t in the car with him. She was currently standing alone in a conference room at a Harper Avery hospital in London. The foundation sent her over there to oversee some kind of funding or research but once she heard the new she forgot all about that. “I should come back.”

“Mom, you don’t need to do that, seriously. I said I was fine.” Jackson stated firmly.

“Jackson-”

“I’m alright,” he paused, raising his eyebrows and looking out of the window. “I’m alive.”

“Yes, I know that now since you found the consideration to pick up the phone and call me.” Catherine sniped. “Is April alright? How are your friends?”

April shifted in her seat but didn’t wake up. “April’s okay. Charles and Reed didn’t make it.”

“Jackson, I’m so sorry.” She said softly she could be there faster than most. “I should come.”

The rain wasn’t letting up and the clouds grew darker up above. It was over, he had made it out with his life and she had important work to do. There was no point coming to check on him if he was alright and she would just have to fly back again. “Mom I’m okay. Grandpa would be pissed if you left right in the middle of things, just to see me.”

“That’s a horrible thing to say, Jackson,” Catherine muttered. “No, he would not.”

He rolled his eyes and cut the ignition as he parked the car outside the hotel. “That’s debatable.”

“He wants the best for you, which maybe you would realise if you listened to him and stayed in Boston. We wouldn’t be having this conversation now if you had.” She ranted and Jackson was not in the mood for a lecturing, especially after today. “What kind of hospital are you learning in? Where a crazed gunman can come in off the street and shoot you. Something like this would have never happened at Mass Gen.”

“Okay, yeah,” He was wondering when the Jackson-the-disappointment lecture would start. The timing was impeccable as it was predictable. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, Mom.”

They said their goodbyes and she had him promise that he would talk to her soon.

“Hey, we’re here.” He lightly tapped her shoulder and watched her eyelids flutter open. “Wake up.”

“Hmm,” April slowly sat up and stretched her limbs, humming but her eyes bugged out of her head when she noticed where they were. “The Four Seasons, Jackson really? I can’t afford that.”

“Well, I can.” Jackson opened his door to get out and grabbed the bags he packed. A hotel was a hotel and at least they would be promised a higher level of comfort here. “It’s not a big deal, come on.”

April grasped the handle did the same and followed behind him. The doorman greeted the both of by the tip of his hat and pulled the glass door open for the two of them, she managed to give him a weak acknowledgement in return but that was all she could muster.

The lobby was sleek and modern with white and grey wood panelling and high ceilings. There were long white couches placed along the walls under various pieces of high-end artwork.

“How much is this place a night?” she asked, finally tearing her gaze from the walls. Everything looked so expensive.

“I don’t know. A lot.” They passed an entire wall made of glass before they reached a long, white desk.

“Jackson!” she whispered harshly and then shut her mouth once they reached the front desk.

“Ah, Dr Avery, nice to see you again.” A man behind the desk smiled for slightly too long April noticed. He regarded their state of dress, they were still in their scrubs. “Is there a convention happening that I don’t know about?”

“No, we’re not here on business,” Jackson explained smoothly, taking out his credit card from his wallet and slid it across the pristine surface.

“Alright.” He answered, tapping at the keyboard while his face was glued to the screen. “Are you staying in your usual suite?”

He swiped the plastic through the machine then handed it back over to him. “Yes, thank you.”

April nudged his bicep with the back of her hand, taken aback. “You have a suite?”

“I lived here for a while before I moved in with Charles,” Jackson said when he noticed her expression.

She didn’t say anything more after that, she still thought that staying at such an expensive hotel was ridiculous but he already checked them in and she really didn’t want to be alone tonight. A bell boy came up behind them to take their bags. When they got to the top floor Jackson slid the key card into the slot in and pushed it open.

It wasn’t just a simple hotel room; the space was more like an apartment as they stepped into the living room. It led out to a balcony that looked over Elliot Bay. There was also a huge bathroom, a dining area and bedroom.

“The bed is back there if you want to sleep.” Jackson pointed behind her, just as their bags arrived.

“I’m not really tired anymore. I just want to take a shower.” April said picking up her bag, messing with the strap in her hands and then met his gaze. “Thank you for staying, for doing this I mean, you didn’t have to.”

“We’re friends, April. I wanted to.” He told her at the same time the bell boy left. April took her phone out of her pocket and placed it on a nearby table.

“Just thank you.” She gestured behind her, asking if she was going the right way to the bathroom and he nodded.

April’s phone vibrated on the table a few minutes after she was gone. He wouldn’t have picked it up but he the screen was filled with notification that she had several missed calls, mostly from her mother. “Hello?”

“Who is this? Where’s April?” It sounded like April’s mom asked, fearful and shaky. “Oh no.”

“April’s – she’s fine, she in the shower,” Jackson replied quickly, it sounded like she was going to have a breakdown. He doesn’t mention the panic attack, wasn’t his place and he didn’t feel comfortable disclosing it. “They just let us leave the hospital. She’s okay.”

Her breath evened out once he got the news out.

“Oh, thank God. Thank God,” she whispered, there were some muffled sounds followed by another voice. “April’s alive, she’s alright Joe.”

“Who is this?” He assumed it was her father, his tone was controlled and deep.

“Jackson. Jackson Avery. We work together, at the hospital I-”

“Jackson,” Joe interrupted, sounding more relaxed. “She’s mentioned you before, you were interns together.”

“Yes, sir we were.”

He stared at the screen after they ended the call. Reed was her speed dial number one and then her mother, there wasn’t anyone else after that. Her best friend was dead and her family lived over two-thousand miles away. April had no one else. They were all the other had in this city now.

His fingers moved across the glass before he even processed the thoughtfully, tapping at the keys to replace Reed’s contact placement in the speed dial with his.

The water shut off and April appeared, her hair slicked down and tucked behind her ears still wet from the shower. She was wearing a robe, the material practically dwarfing her small frame.

“Your parents called.” Jackson approached and handed her the device. “I answered, I didn’t know if that was okay. They’re worried about you.”

“No, I- it’s okay. I’ll call them back I will I just-” April blinked hard and held her phone tightly in her hand. “They’ll want to know everything and I feel like if I talk about it I’ll freak out again.”

“Right,” he didn’t want to see like that again anytime soon.

April swiped her fingers across the screen and answered a few texts from her family, telling them that she was fine and they would speak tomorrow.

Jackson moved past her to use the bathroom himself. When he got out of the shower April was lying on one side of the bed, asleep on top of the covers in flannel pyjama bottoms and a plain white top with random, colourful pattern running up the side. They clearly weren’t from the same set but she wore them anyway. He grabbed whatever out of her closet, he didn’t check to see if it matched or not but he found it amusing that she didn’t say anything about it.

He slipped into bed without waking her up and tried to shut the rest of the world out for a few hours.

April awoke with a jolt, almost falling off the bed once she realised what was happening. She fell asleep on top of the covers and someone was pulling them off. Jackson screamed loudly beside her and she turned to her side to see him thrashing around wildly, with his eyes were closed.

She sat up, her knees digging into the mattress as she leaned over him. The covers dropped to his waist and she put her hands on his shoulders.

“Jackson, hey Jackson! Jackson, stop!” April tried to wake him up. He tossed his back, still screaming until she pushed at him with a little more force.

She could make out the whites of his eyes in the low light. “Charles. Where’s Charles?”

“No, it’s April.” She said, he was starting to scare her. “Jackson, what was that about? Are you okay?”

He looked around him and cleared his throat slowly sitting up, sweaty and sick. “Uh, nothing I’m fine.” Jackson pushed the covers all the way off him and planted his feet on the floor. His heart was still racing, everything about that nightmare felt so real. “Sorry.”

“I’m going to go and sleep on the couch.” He said, getting up.

“You don’t have to. What happened?” she asked curiously. He was there for her, she wanted to do the same for him.

“It was nothing, April.” Jackson stopped in the doorway, he wasn’t even sure he knew what that was so he wasn’t about to start talking about it. “Goodnight.”

“Okay, goodnight Jackson.”


	4. Chapter Four

The next morning April woke up to silence, it only took her a second to remember why she was in a hotel and not in her own bed. Her friends were dead and she couldn’t stand the thought of going back to stay in her apartment alone. She didn’t know if she had it in her to even return to the building. She was extremely grateful that she didn’t have to spend the night by herself. 

She turned her neck, staring at the empty space next to her on the bed, the sheets creased and crumpled up from when Jackson left. He was the one who had had a steady presence all of yesterday, comforted her and if it wasn’t for his quick thinking while Cristina was saving Shephard she knew what would have happened to them.   
The stress of the situation as great as the one they had been through would have taken a toll on anyone. April wished that he didn’t leave after she woke him up from his nightmare, whatever it involved seemed to have really affected him.

After lying on her back for another moment, April urged herself to get up, pulling her robe on and exited the bedroom. It didn’t take her long to find him, still asleep on the couch. It pulled out into a bed so at least he was comfortable last night. Jackson laid on his back, his large body sprawled out in all directions on top of the mattress. He looked more vulnerable and open like this and she knew that needed more rest. He must have left the television on overnight, it was still on with a low hum in the background. Before stepping out of the room, April grabbed her phone and went out on the balcony.

It was early here and earlier back home but she knew that someone would be up by now, it was a farm after all. She answered on the second ring.

“Morning, Mom.” 

“April, I wish you didn’t wait so long to call me. I don’t know what I would have done if I wasn’t able to hear your voice again.” She rushed out and April guiltily bit her lip. 

“I’m sorry yesterday was,” Devastating. Horrible. The worst day of her life but if she could April would have taken back the unease that she put her mother through for not getting in touch with her as quickly as she would have liked. “I really was overwhelmed.”

Karen tended to worry over April more than she did with her other children. She was the only one that moved away from the small town they all lived and had a career that they didn’t understand that much about. Nevertheless, she was incredibly proud of her daughter had worked so hard for everything she had.

“Maybe you should come back home for a few days, I can’t remember the last time I saw you in person,” Karen suggested, hoping that she would agree. It had been a long time since she had been home.

“I don’t think I can. I’m sure the hospital will back open soon,” April rubbed a hand over her forehead. “We’ll definitely be short on staff considering everything. They’re going to need all the extra hands they can get.”

She sighed but it morphed into a laugh. “We did too good of a job with you, I love you April.”

April felt her eyes become watery. “I love you too, Mom.”

April wrapped her arms around herself and headed back inside, closing the sliding door behind her as soundlessly as possible. With her phone in hand, she studied Jackson again and then went back into the bedroom. She showered and changed her clothes before sitting on the bed. April opened the search app on her phone and started Googling.  
She wouldn’t be sure about what was going on with him until he said anything but she wanted to be able to help him if and when Jackson told her what his nightmare was about. Anything that she had observed from his behaviour last night she copied and pasted into the Notes app. It wasn’t until she heard a knocking on the bedroom door that she looked up.

“Hey, I’m ordering room service,” Jackson asked, stepping into the room. She must have been on her phone for longer than she thought. “Do you want anything?”  
They went to bed on an empty stomach last night so he woke up starving. He found April perched on the edge of the bed, the sheets made already made up from when he twisted and pulled at them in the middle of his sleep. He forced himself to keep his eyes on April and tried not to think about it. 

She put her phone face down on the bed and smiled tentatively at him. “Whatever is fine. I don’t mind.”

“Alright, I can-” 

“Jackson, did you sleep okay?” April stood and took a step towards him. “After last night, I was worried.”

“About what?” he asked, brows raising slightly. He was going to make her come out and say it.

“About you, your nightmare.” She clarified, a bit more forceful and tucked her hair behind.  
Jackson dropped his hand by to side, the phone hitting his thigh. “I didn’t- It was nothing, April. Let’s just drop it.”

“I heard you screaming,” she said incredulously. He wasn’t going to lie about it, not when she had been sleeping right next to him.  
Her research from earlier told her that he had all the symptoms. The rapid breathing and his unblinking stare once he awoke weren’t something April could so easily forget.

“This could be serious. You don’t have to be embarrassed.” She remembered how terrifying that moment was, to feel like you had absolutely no control over your body. “A lot of people experience night terrors after a traumatic event.”

Jackson frowned, his tone becoming more defensive. “Night terrors? I’m not five. It was nothing.” He didn’t want to talk about it last night and he hadn’t changed his stance this morning. He sighed tiredly since his sleep had been more restless than not. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m going to call them now.”

April watched him leave and dropped back onto the bed, defeated. If he didn’t want to talk then she couldn’t force him but that wouldn’t get the annoying voice out of her head that it was her and nothing else. 

They had breakfast together but didn’t talk. Jackson knew she was just trying to help, April was that kind of person. For as long he’d known her she always had the habit of doing that for people and it didn’t matter who it was. And he appreciated it, he did but he wanted to forget that it happened. He hadn’t meant to be such an ass about it, he’d apologise when she returned.

April left shortly after, mentioning that she was going for a walk and that she would be back soon. He asked if she wanted some company but she quickly turned him down. It was very much different from how she had been with him yesterday. 

He moved back into the living room to fold back the couch as he did the glare from the television caught his attention. The picture switched to a side to side of two anchors in a newsroom and a young female correspondent outside. She was stood outside the hospital, the sunlight hitting off the familiar glass atrium but the police tape drew more of the focus.

Tossing the cushion onto one of the seats, Jackson reached for the remote from where he left it on the table and turned up the volume.

“…we have to think what factors could have set, Gary Clarke, a family man with no prior convictions off.” She said it wind had picked up causing her blonde hair to whip around her face. 

Jackson sat down on the made up said of the sofa and watched curiously.

“Clarke’s wife was a former patient at the hospital.” The anchor-man spoke then, glancing down at his notes. “She was under the care of the former Chief of Surgery, Richard Webber?” 

“That’s correct, Ben. What caused this troubled man to shoot 18 people and kill 11 including himself should be taken into account. It is believed that since the death of his wife at Seattle Grace Mercy West caused a severe change in his mental health--”

He turned the TV off. 

He wasn’t a psychologist but all Jackson saw in that man’s eyes was that he wanted revenge. Killing anyone who knew how to use a scalpel, ending his friend's lives without a second thought before he used his weapon on himself. Gary Clarke acted purely on anger and Jackson hated him for it.

April ended up at the Waterfront Park not too far away. When she first moved to Seattle the one thing she had been excited about was to finally be so close to the ocean. The freeze sea breeze and the sound of the waves were enough to take her mind off her problems for an hour and a half. The heavy rain from last night meant that there was cool and it felt calming on her skin. She rested her forearms on top of fence along the dock, breathing it in. Despite what had happened, she wouldn’t want to give this up for the world. Living out here and training to become a surgeon were both opportunities that she had worked so hard for.

Pushing off the fence, April left and walked back up the dock but her phone buzzing in her pocket slowed her down. “Hello,”

“Oh April,” Alice, her little sister’s voice, chirped on the other end of the phone. “Mom said you called and I missed it.”

“Yeah, it was early. I just wanted to talk to Mom and Dad first thing. I really wasn’t up to it last night.” She responded but something her sister said had confused her. “Wait, what are you doing back at Mom and Dad’s?”

“Noelle got the chicken pox and since Nick never had it, we’re staying with them until it’s passed.

“Nick never got the chicken pox?” April asked, scrunching her face.

“No, and he’s being such a baby about it,” Alice whined and April laughed at her little sister. “When I brought her back from the school he practically ran to the other side of the room.”

Alice was a teacher just like their mother and they worked at the same school. 

“Oh yes, I’m so glad that my life is amusing to you.” She said jokingly. April was glad Alice called, out of all her sisters she and Alice were the closest. It was probably because since Alice was the youngest and April wasn’t exactly very social, meaning she was always at home with her.

April groaned and sat down on a bench. There a few people out now, walking and enjoying the weather. “I need amusement for a change.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking about me all this time.”

“No, don’t apologise. Share your life, I got time.” April replied and honestly, she needed the distraction. 

“I won’t bore about your niece’s chicken pox anymore.” She declared, making April giggle. “How are you dealing with everything?”

She sighed and picked at her jeans with her nails. “Not well. We’re staying at a hotel.” She didn’t want her mother to worry but she knew that she could tell Alice.

“We?”

“Oh, um yeah, Jackson got us a hotel room for the night. I honestly don’t think I could go back to the apartment,” her breath hitched and she hid it as best as she could. 

“Everything reminds me of Reed.”

“I still can’t believe this happened.” April didn’t have a lot of friends, so it upsetting to hear that she wouldn’t have her in her life anymore. “I’m really sorry about your friends, especially Reed. I know she was your best friend.”

It had barely been a full day and she already missed her so much. Over time the feeling would probably change but the ache would always be there. She would never see Reed again, it was a lot to take in. 

“Yeah, I should probably get back.” April stood up and slipped a hand into one of her front pockets. It was less quiet now that more people were about, also it was starting to make her feel slightly claustrophobic. 

“Alright. Call me back.” 

“I always do.”

When April returned to the room she knew she had to talk to Jackson but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. 

“Jackson?”

“Back here!”

Following his voice, she walked into the bedroom but he “Hey, I wanted to talk about before I didn’t mean to- Oh, oh I’m sorry!” April backed out of the bathroom, resting her shoulder on the doorpost and looked down at her shoes. 

He must have just gotten out of the shower but thankfully he at least had some pants on, but that didn’t stop April from being embarrassed about the situation, she felt cheeks warm up. 

“I can come back.” She peeped.

Jackson turned away from the mirror and noticed her almost folded herself into the wall. He bent his neck to hide his face as his lip twitched. 

He grabbed a clean shirt and pulled it over his head for her benefit. “April, it’s cool. What’s up?” 

“I’m sorry, for overstepping with the nightmare thing. It’s not any of my business and it won’t happen again.”

“You don’t have to apologise.” He interrupted, approaching her so they both stood in the doorway.

“Jackson, no I shouldn’t have.”

“Seriously, and I’m sorry for snapping at you. I know that you were just trying to help.” Jackson reminded her and it was likely that his nightmare was a one-time thing. April was   
right, they’d all went through something extremely traumatic, the stress must have taken on toll on his mind.

“Can we both just be sorry.” she smiled and he laughed along with her.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I can deal with that.”

“Oh okay,” April rolled her eyes. “What did you do while I was gone?”

Jackson remembered the news report he saw not too long ago and clenched his jaw. “Uh, nothing much. Just hung out.” 

It was the second night in a row April woke up to Jackson screaming their dead friends' name. It sounded like he was being tortured and he undoubtedly was with the way he sounded. She had to wake up him. 

April ran out into the living room, thrashing around on the bed. He’d pushed the covers completely off this time as he screamed with his head thrown back and his eyes squeezed shut.

She stepped up to the bed and tentatively reached out to him. “Jackson, please wake up, stop st-”

He kept on going despite her best efforts to calm him down and she couldn’t stand to see him like this any again. April went around to the space he’d left empty on the bed and scooted over him, trying her best to avoid legs kicking out at her. 

“Stop Jackson. We’re not at the hospital, you’re fine.” She raised a voice and pushed at his chest gently, she didn’t want to shock him awake and make things worse, until he woke up. He sat up and stared at her wide-eyed.

“Charles is- Charles…he’s…” he repeated over and over again, still not quite all the way there yet.   
Once April was close enough to him she slowly wrapped her arms around his shoulders, drawing him closer to her and in his disorientated state he let her. 

“Sh, sh I know, I know it’s okay,” April whispered soothingly and stroked the back of his head while he mumbled. They didn’t have to talk and she wouldn’t ask him but she could sit here until it was over. 

His grip on the blanket became looser and looser as she spoke to him, the sound of her voice calming him down. Eventually, he stopped muttering and fell into a stillness with the darkness surrounding them. 

April woke up with a heavy weight resting on her lap. She wearily dropped her chin to her chest and saw Jackson. His body was half thrown over her legs, sleeping peacefully. 

She pushed two fingers into his shoulder and spoke softly. “Jackson,” He shifted on top of her but was dead to the world and April wasn’t surprised when she remembered how she found him last night. She reached out and tried again to rouse him. “Hm, Jackson wake up.”

“Mhm,” He grunted and turned onto his side, pressing his face into the fleshy part of her thigh. 

“Get up.” She patted his back lightly. “You’re heavy.”

He opened his eyes and blinked a few times before sitting up unhurriedly.

“Oh, crap.” He pressed the heel of his hand into his right eye, yawning. “Crap, I’m sorry.”

She smiled with her eyes still closed. “S’okay.” she hummed. “How’d you sleep?”

Jackson scratched the stubble growing on his cheek. He also didn’t plan to have another nightmare either, hopefully, this would be the last one. 

“Better, actually.” He answered, clearing his throat. “Didn’t mean to use you as a bed though. I guess this is your business now?" 

Her eyes scanned his face, he said it jokingly but there was something else behind it too. She didn't pity him if that was what he was getting at and April was almost certain that he was. 

"It's not just you, you know." April filled the silence, covering his fingers with her hand. He stared at her meaningfully and she nodded. 

April stretched her arms above her head, still wary but glad he had a more restful night. She slid off the side of the bed and got to her feet. 

“Let’s hope that us sleeping together doesn’t become a thing,” April said to him, her back was to him but as soon as she realised what she had just said April hopped to face him in a panic.

“I didn’t mean sleeping together, together obviously that would not be a thing between us in any form.” She said and Jackson blinked, slowly piecing together where she was going with this, he was still tired. 

“I meant because of you and this nightmare thing. You have to know that I would never take advantage-” 

“April,” Jackson put a hand up to stop her, fighting to keep his lips together. She did this a lot but it never failed to make him laugh. “I know what you meant.” 

She stopped blathering and gave him a smile before she opened her mouth again. “Right, right. Good.” April tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’m going to go use the bathroom unless you want to?”

“Nah, go ahead,” Jackson said, slumping down back on the bed. “I’ll be okay here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so in this fic april and her family are a lot closer than the show portrayed them to be, which is how i always imagined them and with the type of person april is and way she spoke about what kepner means, it didn't make sense for them to not be good people.


	5. Chapter Five

“You ready to go?” Jackson stood outside the bedroom and waited for April to finish getting dressed. She was usually the first person out the door on most occasions but today was Reed’s funeral, so he could understand why she was taking longer to get herself together. They’d be saying goodbye to one friend in an hour and another in the next few days.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” He heard her say before she appeared dressed in a black skirt and jacket. April leaned against the doorpost, her head resting on the white frame.

“We don’t have to go if you don’t think you’re up for it,” He didn’t want to make her more anxious than she must be feeling now but if the memory of Reed was enough then he was sure that the funeral would break her. He didn’t want her to have another panic attack either.

She took a breath to centre herself. “No, I want to. I’m going. I just need a minute.”

“You sure?” he dropped his head to gauge her expression. She hadn’t put her shoes on yet and he noticed she kept trying to bury her toes in the thick, cream carpet.

“Yeah, yeah.” She responded quietly, clearing her throat. “I’m ready, let’s go.”

The drive to the church is long and April stared out of the window the entire time. She had to go, it would be selfish to not and she wanted to say goodbye to Reed, it wouldn’t be fair to Jackson either. He and Reed were friends too. For some reason, she was still on this earth being allowed to live and she wouldn’t take that for granted ever again. 

She wondered what Reed’s last words were, she’d never find out with the way things ended but no matter how many times she would tell herself to stop it still bothered her. Did she even get the chance to say anything or even see the bullet coming?

With a gun aiming straight at her chest she had begged to be spared. She’d pleaded to a stranger using arbitrary facts from her childhood and one of her deepest desires for life. She’d never loved or been loved.

He could have ignored her, just shot her right in the heart and ended it all right then and there. Maybe he pitied her, it would make a lot of sense, twenty-eight years on this planet and not one time experiencing that feeling with anyone. Why would God deem her worth saving over Reed or Charles?

They had families. They had dreams and aspirations that mattered but would never come to true. She wanted to know why.

Jackson parked the car outside the cemetery at the side of the church, alongside the other vehicles and turned off the ignition.

“Hey,” his voice broke through her thoughts. “Are you-”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She said quickly, unbuckling her seatbelt.

“Alright.”

They both stepped out at the same time a crowd starting to gather around an open grave and a casket.  Her eyes linger on the coffin and then a man stood to the right of it, weeping silently grasping a younger woman’s hand beside him desperately.

“Reed’s dad?”

“And her sister, yeah,” April muttered. She couldn’t begin to imagine how they were feeling.

She recognised them from what Reed had told her, but they didn’t really know anyone else here and that was somewhat unnerving. The only person she knew there would be lowered into the ground in a few moments. Meeting her family under these circumstances made her uncomfortable and she started to nervously fidget with her hands.

The priest patted Mr Adamson on the shoulder, nodding silently then moved to stand at the far end of the coffin. “We are here today to pay our tribute and our respect to Reed who was taken from us much too soon.”

He talked about how she was growing up, some stories April knew but most she didn’t. She had a whole other life before residency took over, that was something they could all relate to. It almost as if she was hearing about another person. She felt Jackson’s hand on the back of hers at one point to stop her from fidgeting through the entire service.

At the end a few people walked up to the coffin as it was transferred for burial, taking turns to place a single flower on top of the casket. People were beginning to leave, paying quick respects to the family before they went on their way and April wanted to do the same.

She turned to him and he looked at her expectantly. “I’m going to go to talk to Mr Adamson for a minute.”

“Okay,” he said, and they approached him together.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes.” The woman beside him, Reed’s sister, spoke up first.

“You probably don’t know me that well. I’m April and Reed was my best friend. I – we met her at Mercy West,” April began, gesturing between Jackson and herself and hoped the tremor in her voice wasn't too detectable. "I'm not the type to make friends easily or at all. Reed must have known that too because she didn't like me very much at first either." April mused fondly, she could feel herself beginning to tear up but kept on talking.

"We were kind of forced to work together by our resident. Reed transferred into our programme a little late and he wanted me to get her up to speed." April remembered, and a little smile played on her face. They did not start on the best terms. Reed didn’t like the idea of having a babysitter just starting out and told her that fact as soon as they were alone. “She was very honest.”

"Anyway, we were assigned to the same case, a cancer patient. She was just focused on making him comfortable until his kids showed up.”

April felt her throat closed at the memory. This story wasn't supposed to be uplifting or anything. It was the plain truth and that was Reed, it reminded her closest friend. But it was also making it harder to come to terms with all of this.

Why take Reed and Charles and the scrub nurse with two kids that held the elevator for her that one morning?

"They got there just as he passed on and she would deny this and promised me not tell anyone, but she cried in the locker room, but then we ended up talking for the rest of our shift. I got to see the Reed that not everyone got to see."

She glanced at the coffin and finally let the tears fall. "She was kind and didn't care what anybody thought about her and so fiercely sarcastic it was a little grating and I’m going to miss her every day."

Mr Adamson’s face stared at her with an unreadable expression and April suddenly felt embarrassed and was starting to rethink approaching him She was about to apologise, profusely, he mustn’t have wanted to hear all this after burying his oldest child.

However, before she opened her mouth he enveloped her in a hug, not for too long. She only patted his back for a second or two and then he pulled away.

“Thank you.” He whispered and then moved to shake Jackson’s hand as well. He had some idea of who her friends were. “Thank you for coming, both of you.”

“I really thought I overstepped,” April said when they walked away. It was just her and Jackson now stood in the cemetery alone, everyone else had left.

“No, what you said- you did a good thing. They needed to hear that.” Jackson reassured her, but her attention was drawn back to Reed’s gravestone.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I’m just thinking.”

_It has been two weeks since April had been fired from Seattle Grace Mercy West and she still had no idea how she was going to get another job._

_She was currently hunched over her laptop looking for other residency programs and trying to avoid Skype calls from her sister Alice all day. Her younger sister was understandably worried about her, but April did not want to talk to anyone about it. She was a failure. Her sister was a mother herself, seeing her would just remind her of the life she hadn’t saved._

_If she hadn’t been distracted, if she had only checked the airway then a little boy wouldn’t be without his mom._

_"Hey," Reed greeted as she closed the door to their apartment and shuffled tiredly towards the living room where her roommate was sitting cross-legged on the sofa._

_“What are you still doing up?” she asked, concerned._

_April looked up from the dimly lit screen of her laptop, blinking a few times to wipe the tiredness from her eyes.  She had still been in bed when Reed left for work that morning. She hadn’t been asleep; her body clock was so accustomed to waking up early. She had to blame it on her upbringing and on her job as a doctor._

_Her former job as a doctor._

_Reed slumped in the small armchair positioned across from the television and stretched before turning towards April._

_"Do you want something to eat?" April asked ignoring Reed’s question and held up her almost empty plate. "I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so we've got leftovers."_

_"That’s okay. I already grabbed something from Joe's with Alex."_

_"Alex?" April mumbled around a mouthful of food. She nearly choked from the shock. "Isn't he the douchey guy that almost got you fired on the first day?"_

_Reed pulled off her boots and pulled her knees to her chest. She was a little surprised at April’s bluntness, but she had been so quiet for the first few days after being so her talking was a gift. It was almost as startling as the events that occurred this evening at the NICU._

_Alex had opened up to her. She did most likely catch him at a weak moment, but she wasn't about to judge him. The man was going through a lot. He was all alone._

_"Let's just say there's more to him than meets the eye," Reed replied thoughtfully._

_April swallowed her food and considered her friend's words. During her short time at Seattle Grace Mercy West, they had barely interacted on a personal level. However, he did try to punch Jackson in the face on the same night that she was fired from the hospital. So, she didn’t have the best impression of him._

_The facial expression that April was making probably wasn’t the nicest, so Reed spoke up again._

_"I know what I said before," Reed continued. "but he's a good guy, April. It’s like when you first met me, we didn’t like each other, and everyone assumed the worst of me."_

_This was the first time Reed had seen her friend smile in two weeks._

_“Of course,” April set her laptop beside her and smiled despite her mood. “But they didn’t hate you. You were like new, mysterious intern. They hated me. A lot.”_

_“They didn’t all hate you,” Reed argued._

_April raised her brows, clearly unconvinced. “Seriously?”_

_“Yes, seriously,” Reed tried to laugh but it came out as a yawn. “Our resident loved you so did that Dr Jacobs or whatever and what about some of the attendings.”_

_“Them liking me doesn’t matter because in the end I just ended up getting fired.”_

_“You’ll find something else, April,” Reed told her, but April didn’t seem to be listening._

_"About Alex,” April closed her laptop, attempting to change the subject. “Did you change your mind because you believe he’s actually a good guy or because you...want to…you know…" April trailed off and raised her eyebrows._

_Reed rolled her eyes at her best friend's wording. Even though they were adults and more specifically doctors, her input into conversations about sex was always lacking. It made for a very contrasting relationship between them. Reed was more out-going and open whereas it took people time to warm up to April's cheery nature. When Reed thought about her life though she couldn't imagine her life without the girl._

_"What?" Reed leaned back in the armchair and closed her eyes. "Have sex? No... maybe. He's hot and it's been a while."_

_"And they say romance is dead." April deadpanned as she took the last bite of her meal._

_Reed kicked April's knee and smiled. "Say's our resident lady-in-waiting"_

_April rolled her eyes at the joke, thankful that it was just the pair of them in the apartment. Reed was the only one who knew about her promise to wait. “That’s not what that means.”_

_“Whatever,” Reed said tiredly. “I worked for like 300 hours. It means what I say it means. You’re waiting.”_

_April stood up and entered the kitchen sink to clean her plate. "What's wrong with really having a connection with a person, being in love and committing yourself to that person forever?"_

_Reed considered her friend's midnight ramble and smiled. While it sounded ideal she couldn't share April's train of thought. She was the child of divorced parents and they worked better separate than together. Reed firmly believed that there was more than that one person for everyone_

_"Nothing. It sounds nice, but that doesn’t always happen," Reed sighed, she never knew her mother "And what if you've got an itch to scratch._

_April flushed at her roommate’s words as she dried her hands on a towel. "That isn't a problem when you've never had a guy so much as look in your direction."_

_“Or what if you wait and wait and it’s like the worse sex of your life?" Reed questioned, turning to look over her shoulder. “But then you wouldn’t have anything else to compare it to so it’s even more of an injustice against you.”_

_“Oh my gosh, stop talking!” April laughed._

_“Here’s me caring about your future sex life. This is what it’s come to?” Reed smiled when she heard April’s laughter. She got more comfortable in her seat and mumbled into her palm. “It’s not that big of a deal.”_

_“It is to me. I don’t know.” April fumbled awkwardly. This was not the conversation she was expecting to have tonight. She wished so wasn’t so embarrassed, even talking to Reed about it made her face get warm. “I just want it to mean something. It’s supposed to be about love.”_

_“There is more than one way to say that, April” Reed shrugged her shoulders tiredly. “If there is someone out there that is really destined to love you, and only you, then they better be able to do more than just give you sex.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_April returned to see Reed had now migrated over to the couch. Her small body was curled up tight and her head rested by one of the armrests._

_“Sex is not the end all be all,” Reed said. She was assuming that April wanted to be with only one person. “Don’t just settle for someone because they’re just not an asshole okay. You should be with a really great guy.”_

_“Thank you,” April mumbled, it was a nice thing to say but she was confused when Reed didn’t make a move to get up. “Um, aren’t you going to go to sleep in your bed?”_

_“No, I… I’m gonna… gonna stay here.” It looked like she was going to pass out right on the couch. "Can you wake me tomorrow, please?"_

_“Sure,” April said, biting back a grin. “Goodnight, Reed.”_

“April, come on. We have to go.” Jackson said, squatting down on the grass to where she was beside the grave, her hair covering her face as she cried. He put a hand on her under her upper arm and lifted her up, so they were both standing. Jackson put his arm around her and led them away back to his car.

* * *

 

Sat on the old worn leather couch in Charles’ childhood home Jackson had never more uncomfortable in his life. It wasn’t solely because he hadn’t slept well last night, or any night since the shooting. He’d lost count of how many times he’d been woken up April and she’d told him that he was screaming in his sleep again.

It was on a constant loop in his mind that he shouldn’t be here. When he was sat in the church with the coffin in front of him or when he talked to Charles’ dad about football.

He couldn’t escape the guilt in his nightmares and being surrounded by the people closest to his best friend wasn’t helping. Both of Charles’ parents had invited Jackson and April back to the house, apparently, he’d spoken about them a lot over the past two years.

At first, he wanted to decline. What was he supposed to say?

Oh, the reason your son is dead is because I made him switch services and now he’s six feet under, but I’ve been wishing it was me ever since I found out. Forgive me.

He rose from the couch and slipped past the few guests that had congregated in the living room. Everyone was speaking in hushed tones and didn’t notice him take the backdoor out. Loosening the black tie around his neck, he deeply breathed in the cool air then sat down on the second step. His suit was expensive, but Jackson couldn’t care less now.

The backyard was large and neat but easy to tell that was used well often. It was much different from what he was used to growing up with the plastic swing set by the fence, he was much more used to being told to keep off the grass.

“Hey,” April tapped him on the shoulder. “Maria said you were outside. Here, I made you a plate.” Maria was Charles’ oldest sister. He had an even bigger family than April, two sisters and five brothers, it was hard to keep track of everybody. There were more attendants at this funeral than Reed’s and quite a few people had come back for the wake.

“Thanks,” he took the plate from her and she sat on the step next to him. He set it on his lap but only ended up pushing the food around the space. Jackson couldn’t concentrate, he completely spaced out during the service. He’d spent more time in churches during the past few weeks than he had in his entire life.

“I should not be here.” Jackson put his food aside, there was no way he could eat with all these  

April stopped eating and put her fork down. She didn’t say anything, waiting for him to explain.

“It was my fault.”

“What?”

“Charles’ death. It was my fault.” Jackson said. “If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have been there. He wouldn’t have been on Bailey’s service.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I asked him to take my shift. He wasn’t supposed to be there.” He confessed, and she was stunned.

“You didn’t know that was going to happen,” April responded after a moment. “This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t take a gun to a hospital, you didn’t shoot 18 innocent people. That is all on Clarke, do not blame yourself. I won’t let you.”

Residents switched shifts and were placed on different services all the time, sometimes if an attending didn’t want to look at you and removed you from their service. Things like that were commonplace.

“He would still be alive if I hadn’t done what I did.”

“Jackson, you can’t-”

“Excuse me?”

They lifted their heads to see Charles’ sister stood behind them, her lips pinched suspiciously.

Maria unfolded her arms and stormed towards them. She heard everything.

“He didn’t mean-”

“No!” she shouted. They moved down the garden, so she was standing over them on the steps. “You’re the reason my brother is dead. What are you even doing here? He told me you were a spoiled rich kid, figures. Get out!”

Jackson didn’t break her stare and swallowed hard. “Alright.”

“Hey, hold on,” April moved so she was in front Jackson, separating the two of them.

“No, it’s okay I’ll go.” He walked past her and April back through the door again and out of the house.

Once he got inside his car he took his tie from his neck and tossed it in the backseat. He knew that he shouldn’t have come.

_“You had the upper hand,” Jackson stated, clearly confused about what Charles had done. “The surgery was yours and then you just back out?”_

_It wasn’t a good look, especially with the attendings. The Mercy West program was extremely tough to get into, the smaller number meant for a more intense and sought-after teaching experience, but it also ended up nurtured an environment that was cutthroat to the core. There weren’t that many people Jackson trusted in his life and being here greatly emphasised that. Almost everyone in their class was waiting for someone to slip up and gloat about right to your face._

_At least you were always able to tell who your real friends were. Which is why what happened in the OR a few minutes ago was so weird._

_Charles was set and prepped to do a heart transplant, they and a few other interns had been competing to scrub in the whole day. He’d observe, learn and maybe get to do something.  He even got Jackson out of the running much earlier in the day. On purpose. It was underhanded and wrong, but he got what he wanted and that was all that mattered, at least he thought that was all that mattered._

_He blamed his conscious for what happened next, running out before even finishing scrubbing in. God knows why the guilt kicked in then and he wasn’t about to make it worse by putting someone’s life in danger._

_Jackson followed Charles into the lounge. He’d be angry at him for a better part of the day but now he had questions. “Why’d you do it?”_

_“What does it matter?”_

_“You ran out of there like a crazy person.”_

_“Because we’re friends, alright!”_

_“What?”_

_“We’re friends and what I did wasn’t right so…”_

_“You ran out of the OR like a crazy person.” Jackson supplied, he laughed and leaned against the wall._

_“Whatever.” He smiled despite his mood. “It’s not happening again, Avery. The one is all mine.”_

“Jackson,” April’s muffled voice and tapping on the glass from outside the car almost made him jump out of his skin. “Open the door.”

 The breeze had picked up causing her dark hair to whip around her face and her cheeks were red. Jackson flicked the lock, so she could open the door and slide into the passenger seat. 

“She shouldn’t have said that to you. It was wrong.” April muttered once they were some way down the street.

The statements she made were out of grief, she was blaming him because of what she thought was the truth. She could understand it, even Jackson was blaming himself, but she didn’t agree and lashing out wasn’t going to reverse anything.

“Just forget about it.” He replied, keeping his eyes forward. It was done. He wrestled with the idea all night and what happened just confirmed what he knew. He shouldn't have come to the funeral.

* * *

 

“It looks exactly the same.” April stood next to Jackson on the walk up that led to the hospital entrance. The investigation was over, and the surgical wing was now back open to them and the public. Most of the staff, including the attendings, were already back at work so once they walked back through the doors it would be like nothing had changed. Back to work as usual.

Jackson adjusted the strap of his bag and squinted. It did feel like almost no time had passed between then and now. The only thing that was giving it away was the strip of police tape caught in the bushes, flapping in the breeze.

“Not exactly.” He stared at the plastic one more time and then tapped his elbow against hers. “Come on.”

Neither of them noticed the security guard standing next to the shiny new metal detector. He stood up straighter, spreading out his portly frame. Previously, visitors and doctors could enter and go without anyone checking or stopping them.

“Can I see some ID?” he asked gruffly.

April looked at him and then Jackson before fumbling with her bag to pull out her wallet, she wasn’t expecting this. Jackson grudgingly took his out as well and he checked him as well. After he deemed that they were who indeed they claimed to be they passed through the metal detector, but it beeped just after April cleared it.

“Really, man?” He tried to wave the handheld metal detector over her and Jackson didn’t like how close he was getting. “We’re doctors, we work here.”

“Jackson, it’s okay,” April slipped the chain from around her neck and put it in her pocket. “It’s just a necklace.”

“Sorry. I’m just doing my job.” He said but didn’t look an ounce apologetic. “New protocols.”

The residents' lounge was lacking in the usual chatter that happened most mornings, just shuffling, long silences and quick stares. Jackson went up to his cubby, sliding his bag into it before pausing to look at the empty space beside him. It was Charles’ space, but he wouldn’t be coming back to claim it. He sighed and turned to see April piling in her belongings in as well, with Reed’s empty cubby beside her.

Lexie Grey was to her right of her, pulling her hair haphazardly into a messy, loose ponytail at the back of her head. She stuffed the rest of her belongings into her bag and sat down on one of the couches.

When he finished changing into his scrubs Jackson picked up his bag and crossed the room to place his stuff in the spot beside her. She gave him a small smile as she pulled out her lab coat and slipped it around her shoulders just as Dr Webber came in.

The residents all greeted him warmly and while he was happy to see them too he also had some news for them.

“And what are these?” Meredith flipped the paper over, looking between the text and Webber as he moved around the room. Cristina was sat beside her on the bench not speaking.

“Your group therapy schedules.” He gave out the last of the sheets and stood in the middle of the room to address them all. “To those of you assigned must be completed in order for you to be cleared for surgery until then you’ll be in the pit or working the clinic.”

"No surgeries?"

“Hold on a minute. Therapy?” Alex grumbled behind them. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“If you want to be back inside an OR any time soon then I suggest you take this very seriously.” Webber pinned Alex with a hard stare.

“Who knew being shot wouldn’t be the worst thing to come out of this?” Alex joked, and April looked back at him in irritation.

“These therapy sessions were approved and mandated by the board and those of you assigned will attend every one of these sessions and talk to Dr Perkins, starting today.”

“Right now?” April asked as everyone talked amongst themselves, one half of them certainly ecstatic that they wouldn’t have to attend.

“That’s correct, Kepner.” He said. He dismissed the residents that were cleared to operate and told the rest of them to wait outside one of the counselling rooms. Less than half of them filed out of the room and downstairs, lining up against the wall.

“Are you going to tell him?” April spoke with her back facing the wall.

He titled his head and replied out of the side of his mouth. “Tell him about what?”

“Your nightmares. Jackson, you have them every night,” She whispered. There weren’t that many people in the line, but she didn’t want anyone to overhear.

“I don’t need to,” Jackson replied, grateful she kept her voice low and did the same. She narrowed her eyes in confusion, but he smirked. “This is about getting cleared for surgery. Fortunately, we don’t operate while sleeping.”

She smacked him with the back of her hand and he yelped.

“I’m kidding.” Jackson rubbed his shoulder while giving her a look. “I mean I’ll have to tell him, eventually.”

“Uh, Morning. Good morning. Come in please,” Dr Perkins emerged from behind the door, smiling crookedly not waiting for it to be returned. He’d been in this game long enough to know that this would be the way it went, most patients were difficult regardless, but these sessions weren’t what they signed up for, that, in addition to the level of trauma they had experienced meant they each had some work to do.

“Does, uh, anyone have anything to say? I know that, uh, a lot of you are only here because this has been mandated.” He began knowingly and glanced up from his notes. “So, let's talk. Anything at all?”

“I ate a really good taco from one of those trucks by the side of the road,” Cristina said. No one was eager to speak about the true reason they were all here.

“When?” Meredith asked.

“Last night. You were asleep.” It wasn’t surprising to hear that their co-workers were staying together in groups.

“Which truck? The one on 7th?” Jackson sat up in his seat.

“I want to go. I like tacos.”

“Me, too.”

“I read a book… about the history of mass murders in the U.S. That's-- that's the actual name of what happened to us. It was a mass murder.” Lexie muttered, staring at no one in particular. “You can't call it a terrorist attack, because the murders weren't political in nature. And we weren't the victims of a serial killer, because Mr Clark would've had to murder several people over a period longer than 30 days in order to qualify as a serial killer.” She clarified with her knee bouncing up and down. “We could call it a spree killing which is defined as killings at two or more locations with no break or pause in between because Mr Clark shot that guy in his car before he got here. But I'm not sure that that counts as a true second location since it was so close to the hospital, which means that we were a mass murder, because it happened at one place, by one person, and more than four people were killed.”

Even though Lexie wouldn’t notice April tried not to stare at her and turned back to Dr Perkins. Lexie was always usually more put together.

It would take more than a few weeks to get that back.

* * *

 

After what most decided was a wasted hour and a half session in therapy, the residents were allowed to see patients in the pit or the clinic only. Cristina and Meredith were assigned to the clinic while Alex, Lexie, Jackson and April were told to work the pit. Sloan was in charge of overseeing them while they were in the ER and didn’t look to be too enthused about it. He went to medical school to be a doctor, not a babysitter.

“Welcome back,” he greeted, his eyes softening when he saw Lexie, but she wouldn’t look at him. “Try not to push it.”

Unfortunately, it was a slow day for them and most of the patients they saw by now had been admitted or discharged.

Jackson walked up to April at the nurse’s desk where she was using the computer. “Do you know how many people I’ve had to send to surgery?”

“What?”

“Five people. Five surgeries, OR opportunities. Gone just like that.” Jackson said as he handed back the chart to a nurse. “I can’t wait until this is over.”

“We’ll get cleared. Don’t worry.” She stopped typing watched him, in front of the patients he was fine, but she could tell that he was frustrated and tense about the hold off on surgery. “Let’s just focus on one thing at a time.”

She sighed and was about to say a little more but Lexie causing a scene across the room stole her words from her.

“If I give her albuterol and she's on propranolol, then she'll stop breathing. If- If I give her warfarin and she's on ibuprofen, then she'll then she'll bleed out.”

Alex seemed uncomfortable as Lexie ranted to him.

“If I give her diphenhydramine and she's on doxepin, then she'll die.” She continued. “So, do do do you think she wants to die?”

Mark was suturing an older man lying in a bed. “Karev, what's going on over there?”

“I think that she wants to die. I think she wants me to kill her.” Lexie spun around and approached the patient who had been frozen in fear at her outburst. “Do-do you do you want me to kill you? Because y-you could just get a gun, - and it would be a lot faster.”

“Karev, get her outta here!” Mark said.

“You know what? So why doesn't somebody find a gun and we'll bring her a gun and just shoot her.”

“Karev, help her! I can't step away.” He said but Alex didn’t move.

“Somebody find her a gun 'cause she wants to die!” Lexie tore through the medical supplies in the drawers and threw them on the floor.

“I got my own stuff to do,” Alex grumbled dismissively and left the ER.

Mark put down his surgical instruments and told his patient he’d be right back. April and Jackson watched while he had to forcibly restrain Lexie to stop her from doing any more damage and took her out of the room.

* * *

 

By the end of their shift, there wasn’t the rewarding exhaustion from a day’s work only overtiredness. Lexie had been admitted to the psych ward and no one had heard much since this afternoon, they weren’t close, but April hoped that she was alright.

They changed slowly out of their scrubs and April watched her fellow residents leave the room, going to their own homes or apartments.

“We can’t stay in a hotel forever,” April said to him as he tossed his shirt into his bag.

He didn’t really need a roommate even when he had been living with Charles. Jackson could afford to live alone but he wouldn’t mind finding somewhere with April. He’d ask; however, he wasn’t sure she’d be receptive since she was initially astounded by the lavishness of the hotel. They had vastly different expectations and experiences in what was normal to them.

“I know.” Jackson sighed. “It’s okay. We’ll figure something out.”

 


End file.
